Way Back Home
by closet-hopeless-romantic
Summary: Post-Paraguay. Will Harm and Mac find their way to one another or is this really the end?
1. Chapter 1

_**I seem to have a slight'fix Paraguay'obsession. That and song fics****Not quite sure why! I hope you enjoy this tho**_

**_Beautiful song is called 'People Change' and is by Rockapella._**

**_

* * *

_ **

HARM

There was no other way to say it. Harm was in hell. He'd gone there instead of going to Paraguay. That was the only way to explain what had happened over the past few months: The trial, Mac dismissing him from her life with no real explanation, life with the CIA, being dropped by the CIA for fulfilling a mission but inadvertently ending up on the evening news. Surely this wasn't really the way his life had panned out. No contact with his friends, no job, no Mac. He sighed softly to himself, a wave of homesickness for JAG washing over him, just as it had been doing frequently since he got back home. _I really could do with a drink_, he thought, wondering where to go. He was tired of sitting in his apartment, there were too many reminders of his old life there. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to take down the photos of him and Mac and the others which were scattered in frames around the loft. He got slowly to his feet, pulled on a jacket and headed out the door and down to his car. He drove as if on auto-pilot, not really knowing where he was headed.

Twenty five minutes later, he found himself pulling up at a surprising destination. He turned off the engine, and sat, staring at the building nervously. He could hear laughter and music floating out towards him, and the nerves increased tenfold. She could be in there. He thought, They all could. He glanced at his watch. 6:30pm. They probably all would have left by now. Harm looked around. He didn't recognise any of the cars so he bit the bullet and climbed out of the car, moving slowly towards the building. Opening the door, he was assaulted by a wave of memories and almost turned back. He grit his teeth and walked in, letting the music wash over him. He wandered up to the bar and ordered himself a beer from one of the regular barmaids who smiled at him in recognition.

"I haven't seen you in here for a while Commander." She said cheerfully. He managed a wan smile.

"I've been pretty busy Tina." He replied, ignoring the free bar stool next to him. He just wanted to get his beer and sit in the corner. He really wasn't in the mood for small talk.

"The rest of your friends were in the other day." Tina continued, not seeming to catch the 'leave me alone' vibe he was sending off.

"I haven't seen them for a while." Harm replied sadly, not really noticing the look of surprise on her face. "Thanks" he added, picking up the beer and putting the money on the bar, before moving away quickly to an empty table in the corner.

**MAC**

Mac looked up at the knock on her door to see Sturgis standing in the doorway.

"Are you ready Mac?" he asked with a warm smile.

"For what?" she asked, confused. _What have I forgotten now?_ She wondered. She would be the first to admit that she had been a little all over the place since Paraguay. She missed Harm desperately, but at the same time was so mad at him. Why couldn't he ever fight for her? She just wanted to know he was all right, but if anyone had heard from him, they weren't telling her, and she couldn't help but wonder if they all didn't blame her a bit for Harm's absence from JAG.

"We're all going to McMurphy's for drinks remember?" Sturgis replied, "To celebrate Tiner getting into Law School?" Mac sighed. She wasn't feeling very sociable, and McMurphy's tended to bring back a million and one memories of Harm. They had had some fun evenings there.

"I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it." She lied quickly, looking down at the pile of folders on her desk. "I really have to get all of this done." Sturgis regarded her thoughtfully, then stepped into her office properly and closed the door behind him.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, sitting down in the seat opposite her, amused by the look of surprise that rushed across her face at his question.

"Nothing." She replied automatically, the slightly vulnerable expression on her face giving way to a firm mask of non-emotion. "I'm fine Sturgis, I'm just really busy."

"Bullshit." Mac blinked at him. It was so unlike Sturgis to swear, even slightly. His expression softened as did his tone as he continued, "Mac, I know something's bothering you. You can't keep shutting us out. Is it Harm?"

"Nothing's wrong." She insisted stubbornly, not knowing that Sturgis had noticed her mask slip slightly at the mention of Harm's name.

"Mac, none of that is urgent and you know it." Sturgis continued just as stubbornly. "Besides, Admiral's orders." He added, pulling out his trump card. "Everybody has to be there." Mac rolled her eyes at him.

"Fine." She said, getting to her feet and pulling her jacket on. "Let's go." She stalked past Sturgis and went to open the door when she felt his hand on her arm.

"You know if you want to talk, I'm here." He said softly before she could turn around. Mac froze, fighting desperately at the tears that had suddenly welled up in her eyes. Blinking a couple of times, she replied, just as quietly,

"Thanks." and then carried on out of the door as if nothing had happened.

**McMURPHY'S**** BAR**

Harm didn't notice the group come in. He was sat with his back to the door, staring morosely into his nearly empty pint glass. _When did my life become such a mess_.He wondered. _How did it all come to this_.Before the mess with Singer and Paraguay, he had been sure that he and Mac had been moving slowly towards something more. Then Paraguay had happened and she had dashed all of his hopes with one sentence. Hell, with one word really. He really didn't understand her. _How could she have said that, but then gone and left so many messages on my answering machine sounding like she cared. She clearly doesn't. I wish I didn't love her so much ._He looked up suddenly, convinced that he had heard her laughing somewhere behind him. He glanced warily around the bar and was relieved to see no-one who looked like Sarah McKenzie. The jukebox opposite the bar caught his eye, and he hauled himself to his feet and wandered over to it, studying the 'menu' intently.

At that moment, Mac was actually sat in one of the booths around the corner from the door, surrounded by the rest of the JAG team. Bud was busy reciting a story about little A.J to her, and she was listening in amusement, enjoying the feeling of simple pleasure that she felt when she thought about her godson was over her and take her mind of her problems, even for just a second. Sturgis was sat next to her calmly. Since they had left Headquarters, he had almost constantly been at her side, almost like a mother hen, as if he was afraid that she would run away the moment his back was turned. As she listened to Bud, her eye was caught by the very familiar looking worn leather flight jacket on the guy standing by the jukebox. Her heart all but stopped beating as she watched him unplug the jukebox, and plug it back in, resetting the playlist so his song would come up first. As the first notes started to play out, she felt Bud's hand on her arm.

"Ma'am?" he said softly, turning round to see what had caught her eye, "Ma'am?" he repeated, just as his eye fell on the object of Mac's attention. His eyes widened in recognition, and he continued, "Mac, is that Comma...Harm?"

**_Didn't hear a tone, are you, hello  
I never hear a tone, I guess you know  
I can't remember what I called to say  
I thought you might be home on Saturday_**

I really can't believe it's been a year  
It took a little time without you here  
I'm guessing you survived alone somehow  
It's good that I can joke about it now

**_I still avoid the park at Christopher  
Never wanna feel the way we were  
Unless I'm in a hurry for that train  
And that's the only newsstand open late_**

Almost on autopilot, Mac shook off Bud's hand and slid out of the booth, when she heard Bud's jovial voice call over the music, "Harm!" she stopped; stood stock still as her traitorous legs refused to do anything but stay where she was. She stood, silently, praying that he wouldn't hear Bud's shout over the music.

_**People change (people change) everyday (everyday)  
Change like you (change like you)  
I got all the time in the world**_

Unfortunately for Mac, Lady Luck wasn't with her that night, and Harm turned around slowly at the sound of his name, his eyes widening when he saw her standing there, barely noticing Bud's smiling face beside her.

"Mac." He whispered, staring at the beautiful woman in front of him with a look of shock on his face. He was frozen. Memories from the Taxi stand in Ciudad del Este began assaulting him, the word 'never' reverberating around his mind. From across the room, he could see she was fighting a similar battle, and a small flash of hope lodged itself in his heart. His reverie was suddenly broken by Bud's smiling face.

"Harm!" he repeated, getting to his feet and moving over to greet his old friend and mentor. "How are you?" he added as he reached Harm's side. There was a moments silence,

It's been so long that no one even asksAnd everybody's walkin' on the grassGrass that took a while to reappearI'd forgotten green without you here

"Harm?" Harm blinked, and turned his attention to the eager Lieutenant at his side.

"Bud" he managed to say, forcing a smile to his face, "how are you? It's been a while."

"I'm fine. You?" Bud replied cheerfully, aware of the tension, but unsure of how to deal with it, he just ploughed on. "Do you want to come join us? We are celebrating Tiner getting into Law School." He placed a hand on Harm's arm, and pulled him towards the group before Harm had a chance to resist. As they arrived at the booth, the whole group fell into silence, most eyes swivelling between the newly-arrived Harm and Mac, who was still standing by the booth, a look of shock and nervousness on her face.

_**Christmas came and went upon this bench  
Tryin' to justify what made no sense  
Now the ivy's overrun the tears  
But it could never hide what happened here**_

People change (people change) everyday (everyday)  
Change like you (change like you)  
I got all the time in the world

_**People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)  
Cry like me (cry like me)  
We got all the time in the world  
**_

_**Fillin' in the conversation by myself  
Fillin' in the reason why you leave me leavin  
Thinkin' back, the hope we had was more than mine**_

Harm recovered first, and glanced around the booth, a nervous smile on his face.

"Jason," he started, offering the Petty Officer a forced smile. "Congratulation on getting into Law School. I always knew you would do it."

"Thank you sir." Tiner replied nervously. Harm carried on,

"Sturgis, Jen, it's good to see you." His eyes rested on the Admiral for a moment, then he continued again with a nod, "Admiral." He glanced round the table again. "If you'll all excuse me, I should be getting going."

"Harm.." Bud started, but he was cut off.

"Give my love to Harriet, AJ and Jimmy, Bud." He turned to leave, his eyes falling onto Mac again. She still hadn't moved, and it took all his willpower not to pull her into his arms and wipe away the tears that he could see were threatening to fall. He nodded at her, "Mac." He said, before moving away from the table and out of the bar, feeling his shoulders slump in defeat as the image of her face followed him out of the bar.

Mac still hadn't moved, her mind distracted by the final verses of Harm's song. It was so full of sadness, she felt her heart break all over again.

_**The hope we had was more than mine (more than mine)  
I know it makes sense to you (more than mine)  
Just make it make sense to me**_

Maybe I'm alive beneath the snow  
Maybe you're too petrified to know  
I can't believe that you would tell me lies  
How could I have missed that in those eyes

Maybe if I only heard your voiceI would understand you had no choice  
And though I'm glad it's clear for you to see  
I wish that you could make it make sense to me  


**_People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)  
Cry like me (cry like me)  
I got all the time in the world_**

Flowin' in and out your life (people change)  
By tomorrow mornin (everyday)  
Flowin' in and out my life (people change)  
People change (people change) everyday  
People cry (people change) all the 

With a start, she felt Sturgis' hand on her shoulder and was aware that the rest of the group were still watching her with a mixture of concern and uncertainty.

"Mac?" Sturgis said

"I'm ok." She said calmly, glancing round at them all. "Honestly. I'm just going to nip to the ladies' room."

Once she got to the ladies' room, she stopped at the sink, and stared into the mirror. Her hands were shaking, she realised, and she felt the tears start to prick at her eyes again. Dammit it Marine, pull it together. She told herself angrily, but he obviously hates you. a little voice inside her head continued, he couldn't even bear to look at you for more than a millisecond. And you deserve it after what you did. She swiped angrily at the tears in her eyes, forcing herself to get a grip. A few moments later, she was ready, her head held high, she strode out of the ladies' room, determined to forget recent events and enjoy the rest of the night. Then, she ran smack bang into Sturgis.

"We decided to call it a night." He said calmly, "Bud had to get back to Harriet and the kids, and Tiner and Jen had plans to meet up with some mutual friends later." Mac looked at him and nodded her understanding.

"I'll see you tomorrow at work then." She said, turning to go past him. She was stopped a moment later by Sturgis' baritone voice.

"Mac?" she turned and looked at him questioningly. "He misses you. You could see it in his face. GO and talk to him." She felt the tears well up yet again.

"He hates me Sturgis. He couldn't even look at me." She replied. Sturgis looked at her sympathetically.

"Just go talk to him." He replied. "You two have to sort this thing out."

**_

* * *

Well that's chapter 1 done and dusted, thanks for reading this far if you did!! I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews of all shapes and sizes are most welcome!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Thanks to all of those who reviewed: swimERfanatic13, Lu78, Jitka, GermanJagaholic, calimary, MarineFlyer86, alix33 and michelleUK - You guys made my day! I hope everyone enjoys this next installment._**

**

* * *

**

MAC

Mac had been sitting in her car for the last 18 minutes and 23 seconds. She didn't know what to do. She knew Sturgis was right. They did need to talk; to get their lives back on track. She missed him so damn much! He had been her best friend for so long, even through their ups and downs; their lives had been interconnected on so many levels. She had hated the last few months, completely cut off from one another. But she still didn't know how to fix it. It had been her words that had torn them apart this time, and she couldn't take them back. The look on Harm's face as she'd said the words still haunted her dreams. Every time she closed her eyes she would see the pained expression on his face; the look of disbelief and confusion. A sudden knock on her window startled her out of her thoughts and she looked up to see Sturgis standing outside her car, peering in the window. Rolling her eyes, she wound down the window and looked enquiringly at him.

"Are you planning to sit there all night?" he asked placidly, not seeming at all afraid of invoking her Marine wrath.

"Why are you still here?" Mac countered, irritated.

"Being a friend." Sturgis replied simply, "You need to go and talk to Harm, Mac. You are both miserable without each other. Don't you think this has gone on long enough?" She looked at him, knowing he was right.

"He hates me. You saw him tonight, he could barely stand to be in the same room as me for more than 10 seconds."

"Harm has never truly hated anyone." Sturgis replied calmly, "He may have been mad at you before. But the man is in love with you, the look on his face tonight wasn't hate. It was far from it. He just didn't know what to say to you."

"Didn't want to talk to me more like." Mac muttered darkly under her breath. Then, the rest of Sturgis' words filtered through her brain. "What do you mean he is in love with me?" Sturgis looked away guiltily. Busted! _Well, _he reasoned, _someone needs to get through to her. Lord knows Harm is about as easy to read as a Tolkien novel translated into Japanese._

"Sturgis?" Mac questioned again. "Harm is not in love with me. If he was, we wouldn't be in this state. He would have stayed and .." she paused for a moment, "and fought for us. But he didn't, he let me walk away..again." There was suddenly silence, and Mac looked up, surprised to see Sturgis had disappeared. The passenger door opened and he slid in quietly.

"Mac, what happened down there?"

"Oh nothing much. I just told Harm that things would never work out between us because we both wanted to be on top. I don't know why I said it"

"You know you're wrong about that don't you?" Sturgis replied, after a pause of shocked silence. "He's never wanted to be on top. He wants to be by your side. He just doesn't know how. Harm's not good at relationships, he never has been. Surely you know that?" Mac looked down at her hands.

"He's never seemed to have that much trouble before." She replied, "Women flock to him in droves." Sturgis rolled his eyes.

"You must have noticed that he never let them in completely. I don't think he knows how. I've known him a long time, and I can tell you one thing. He tries. He really does. He wants to let you in, but he's scared that if he does, you'll leave. Loving someone unconditionally is hard enough if you don't have any baggage. But for Harm, the last person he loved unconditionally left when he was 6 and never came back."

"Why couldn't you have been around a few years ago!?" Mac asked sarcastically. "You should write a book: Insight into the great Harmon Rabb by a Preacher's son." A flicker of amusement appeared on her face, before being replaced by sadness. "I can't do it, Sturgis. He hates me. I don't think I could take the rejection. Not again." Sturgis sighed.

"Fine. But Mac, you are going to have to talk to him one day. One day you will find your way back to each other. You'd save yourself a lot of heartache if you did it now rather than later."

"I just can't." Mac replied. Sturgis reached over and gave her hand a quick squeeze.

"Well I'll leave you to your thoughts." He said, moving to get out of the car. _I better go and see if I can talk some sense into Harm._ He thought wryly to himself. "See you tomorrow, Mac."

"Thanks." She said softly, glancing over at him. "And Sturgis?" he paused in the doorway and looked back at her questioningly. "You'll find him at the Wall." She added, so quietly that if he hadn't been looking at her, he wouldn't have been sure if he had actually spoken or not.

"How did you know I was going to find him?" She shrugged.

"I just did." She smiled wanly at him. "See you tomorrow."

**HARM**

True to Mac's prediction, Harm was sitting with his back against the Wall, staring bleakly into space. Sturgis walked up hesitantly, knowing perfectly well that Harm was likely to get up and leave without talking to him. They hadn't spoken since Harm had left JAG and Sturgis knew he hadn't been a very good friend. As he approached, he took a moment to study Harm. He looked exhausted and defeated, there were circles under his eyes and he looked pale. Sturgis could see Harm had seen him and moved up quietly and sat down next to him, mimicking his friend's stance. They sat in silence for a few moments.

"How did you know I was here?" Harm asked.

"Mac told me you would be." He replied. Harm laughed bitterly.

"Figures."

"She really misses you, you know?"

"Yeah right."

"She does. She just doesn't know how to change things between you, when she desperately wants to." Harm put his head in his hands.

"She basically told me she didn't want any more to do with me. She didn't even thank me for saving her, she just lectured me for giving up my commission. She was so mad at me. I gave up everything for her, and she couldn't even say thank you."

"I don't know why she did that. But I do know she regrets it. Harm, she would give anything to take it back. She hasn't been the same since you left. She desperately wants her best friend back."

"I'm not her best friend; No-one would treat a friend like that."

"You need to talk to her. The two of you can get through this. Maybe it's time to move forward; leave the past where it is."

"Mac made it pretty clear that there was no type of future for us." Sturgis sighed, frustrated. Talking to Harm was like talking to a brick wall at times.

"Harm. I am going to spell this out clearly. I don't know why Mac said those things. But I do know she regrets it. She is in love with you; she just doesn't know how to tell you. She's terrified you will throw it back in her face and you'll be back to square one."

"She told you that?" Harm asked, looking at him for the first time since he had sat down.

"You need to speak to her." Sturgis repeated, avoiding the question.

"I can't."

"Just promise me you'll think about it." Harm rolled his eyes.

"I promise." He muttered.

"Good. Now how do you fancy playing some one-on-one tomorrow and maybe going for a drink?"

"Sure, that would be good." Harm smiled at him weakly. "Thanks Sturgis. I'm sorry I haven't been in contact. I just needed some time to lick my wounds alone."

"No worries man, I totally understand. See you tomorrow. About 6pm at the gym?"

"Thanks. See you later." Harm agreed, not moving a muscle. Sturgis pulled himself to his feet.

"See ya." He said, and headed back to his car. Those two were going to be the death of him.

**JAG HQ, the next day**

"Hey Mac," Sturgis' warm voice came from behind her as she reached for the coffee.

"Morning." Mac replied, turning round to look at him. She had barely slept. Sturgis' words had been going round and round in her head, and every time she had closed her eyes all she could see was Harm's face as he had caught sight of her in the bar. She couldn't get the song he had put on the juke box out of her head._ What have I done?_ She thought morosely. _I've never seen him look so defeated and sad. I can't believe I caused this. _

"Mac?...Mac? Are you with me?" Sturgis was calling her.

"Sorry, I was in my own world for a minute." She replied apologetically, "What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to get a drink tonight? I've got to pay a visit to my father straight after work, but I could meet you at about seven thirty?"

"Sure. McMurphy's?" _Sturgis Turner, just what are you planning? _She thought to herself.

"See you there!" Sturgis replied with a grin, "Staff call in ten."

**Later that day**

"Man, you need to work out a bit more." Sturgis said teasingly, as he side-stepped Harm and took a shot. Harm laughed, and stole the ball away from him easily before Sturgis could go for the rebound.

"You were saying?" he countered smugly as he sank the shot.

"You wanna call it a day? I could really do with a beer." Sturgis replied, glancing at his watch; seven twenty. If he wasn't careful Mac would leave before they got there.

"Sure. Let's go change."

They changed quickly and headed out of the gym and across the road to McMurphy's. Harm hesitated slightly as they approached the door, unwilling to re-experience the previous night's events.

Sturgis was nervous as hell. It was more than possible that the pair of them would kill him for the stunt he was about to pull. He pulled open the door and walked in. He spotted Mac almost immediately, and walked quickly up to her.

"Sorry I'm late." He said, smiling nervously at her.

"No problem. How was you..." she trailed off as she saw Harm come up behind him. "Traitor." She hissed, flashing him a furious look.

Harm paled as he caught up with his friend. "Mac..." he managed to say, before turning to look accusingly at Sturgis, who wilted slightly under their joint glares.

"Ok I'm sorry. But you two really need to sort this out. This was the only way I could get you in the same room." Mac's expression softened slightly.

"Sturgis. You can't force Harm to speak to me if he doesn't want to." She said, refusing to look in Harm's direction.

"Would you mind not talking about me as if I wasn't there?" Harm interrupted in annoyance. "How do you know I don't want to talk to you?"

"Because if you did, you would have returned one of my calls." She shot back quickly, "I left you something like 20 messages over the last few months."

"Which you wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't told me you wanted nothing more to do with me." Harm replied angrily.

"That's not what I did Harm." Mac protested. Sturgis stood in silence, his head swivelling to look between the pair as they got angrier and angrier. _Well this is working out well. _He thought ironically.

"Really?" Harm raised his voice as he answered back sarcastically "So that's not what never means then?"

"Dammit Harm" Mac got to her feet, "If I could take it back I would. Is that what you want to hear? Well its true! I would! I wanted to the moment I said it, but you didn't do anything that suggested you would want me to. You didn't fight me on it! You just walked away." She stopped, her face flushed.

"I thought that was what you wanted. Don't you understand Mac? I want you to be happy. If that's what would have made you happy then I would abide by your wishes." He paused for a moment, his eyes meeting hers for the first time in 6 months. He was shocked to see tears in them. "I thought that was what you wanted." He repeated quietly, feeling all of the anger drain from his body. Mac stared at him for a moment, and sat down again suddenly, realising her legs were shaking.

"All I ever wanted," she started, wondering if she really had the nerve to do this. "All I ever wanted.." she began again, "was for you to want to be with me. To fight for me. To love me." She got quickly to her feet. "I've got to go." She said suddenly, and pushed past Harm and Sturgis, making a beeline for the door. She was stopped 3 seconds later by someone's hand on her arm, pulling at her to turn her around. Her heart beating wildly, she acquiesced and turned to see Harm standing in front of her, shock on his face. They stared at each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Then Harm took a step forward, slipped a hand under her chin and lifted her lips to meet his. She stood stock still in shock for a moment, before responding to the feel of his lips on hers. She shuffled a little closer and he wrapped his arms around her. After a couple of minutes they pulled back, both of them blushing hotly as they realised that they could possibly, finally be on the same page.

"That's all I ever wanted too Mac." Harm replied, his voice husky. She smiled shyly at him.

"I'm sorry, Harm. I really am." She said quietly, unable to tear her gaze away from his.

"Me too." Harm replied, leaning in to press a kiss on her lips. "So," he continued, pulling back, "where does this leave us?"

"Back at the beginning?" she replied hopefully. Harm pulled her into a hug.

"Works for me." He whispered with a smile. They stood for a few moments, unaware of their surrounding until they heard someone clear their throat behind them. They pulled apart and turned to see Sturgis looking at them, a huge smile on his face.

"Is my life safe?" he asked teasingly, laughing out loud at the looks on their faces.

"For now." Mac replied, smiling wickedly. "Now. What says we get ourselves a drink."

* * *

**_Thanks for reading guys! please let me know what you think of it! I could possibly do one more chapter, depending on what you all think!_**

**_:o)_**


End file.
